Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....