You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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