i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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