remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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