She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
