there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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