i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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