so explain again why im purple
no
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
