Don't you send me to vm
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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