I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I want to fling myself into the sun
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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