I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
