i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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