I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
