this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
