I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
