I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
