You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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