the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
