What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
