I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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