the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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