I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
