then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
