Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
