I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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