Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
