captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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