America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
