I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
