You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
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I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
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Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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