ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
