I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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