I'm retarded. Again.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
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You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
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she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.