i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
