i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
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Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
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Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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