the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
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How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
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There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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