I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
