Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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