too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
