Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
