I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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