Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
