I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
