Ambien. No doubt about it.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
