Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just invented taco cereal.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
