I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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