so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
