wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
