Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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