were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
