Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
