I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
