I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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