I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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