i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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